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"Swing," "Swinger," what do these words mean to you. How about the word "lifestyle?" Funny how words mean so many different things to so many different people. My dictionary defines "Swinger" as: "One that swings: a good swinger of baseball bats." I always had a suspicion that Barry Bonds was a "swinger." My dictionary also says: "A member of a couple, especially a married couple, who exchanges sexual partners." Now we're getting somewhere, although I didn't know marital status had so much to do with "swinging." I'll have to call Webster and explain to him that non-married couples swing too. I'm sure he'll be glad to hear that.
The word "swing" dates back to the 20's when the black community discovered a new form of music called Jazz and called it "Swinging Jazz." The reference described the form of dance where a man would literally "swing" his partner through a series of dance moves. Like the Charleston and the Lindy Hop were born, and so was the term "swing." Most conservatives couldn't believe it when they saw people shaking their hips and frolicking to this new underground sensual music.
Eventually, in the 30's and 40's, band leaders like Cab Callaway, Duke Ellington, Glen Miller and Count Basie brought in the big band era and "Swing was King." The popularity of swing music faded after WWII until the late 50's when Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack redefined the word "swinger." The word's connotation reached beyond their music and started to represent their lifestyle. They were hip, fashionable, cool and sexy. They were swingers, man. Playboy magazine was first published and a new era of sexuality was born. "Swinger" had a positive connotation, everyone wanted to be called a "swinger." Of course the term was only relegated to men. Being considered a swinger would never be considered appropriate for a woman.
Of course the "shagedelic swinging sixties" followed and once again the term "swinger" took on a new, cartoon-type of character. Towards the end of the 60's, swinger clubs started to form. Publications were printed and different forms of alternative relationships like swinging, polyamory and communal living started to show up.
It wasn't long before the 70's and rumors of "key parties" and "wife swappers" became the common explanation of the "new swingers." Again, sexist overtones dominated the "swinger" scene, the very term "wife swapper" implies that the man owns his wife and can trade her at will for another partner.
The 80's saw a surge of new clubs forming until the AIDS scare forced many swingers underground and many clubs closed or dropped in membership. Eventually, swinging became a lot more open, clubs rebounded and national conventions like Lifestyles in California and Las Vegas gained in popularity and thousands of couples came to meet other open minded couples. "Recreational swinging" became a powerful economic factor, in fact it became an industry. Today, you can find articles on "swinging" in Time magazine, the New York Times, Details, on HBO, MTV, Showtime, VH1 and most national and local newscasts, newspapers and magazines. Conventions and clubs have popped up in every state. Resorts and hotels now cater to "swing" groups like never before. Recently, in New Orleans, over 1,000 "swingers" paraded down Bourbon St. in the first ever "swinging parade" behind a jazz (swing) band with a police escort. Swinging has almost become mainstream.
It has become so mainstream that swing clubs and businesses finally have their own trade association. Imagine the effect of an organized effort to put forth positive images of this "swinging lifestyle." This is the first step in gaining acceptance and tolerance for a sexual minority that is steadily growing and we are being noticed.
By the way, I looked up the word "lifestyle" and my dictionary said: "A way of life or style of living that reflects the attitudes and values of a person or group." When the term "lifestyle" became popular over a generation ago, it had many critics that objected to it as trendy and superficial because it was mainly used to justify habits of consumption, recreation or fads to categories in a system of social classification. Many different forms of sexual minorities all consider themselves to be living a different "lifestyle" from the mainstream. Nonetheless, the term has been useful, in fact, because they help explain ourselves when referring to social values and behavior.
Why the history lesson? Most people I run into find the label "swinger" as a negative term with which they don't want to be labeled. While I understand their reasons, most do not understand that the terms "swing" and "swinger" have undergone many transformations over the last century and will continue to change over the next few years. My favorite dictionary definition defines "swinger" as: "A person who actively seeks excitement and moves with the latest trends." Now that is a term we can live with. Maybe we should print that definition on shirts, come out of the closet and show the world who we are. OK, maybe not this week... but soon?
The International Lifestyle Association (ILA) is a nonprofit, member-controlled organization that exists to promote a positive image of alternative lifestyles and to support lifestyle businesses, professionals, and participants. We will be contributing to Lifestyle Magazine with articles we hope you will find informative and most of all, interesting. Please visit our site at www.theILA.org for more information on the growing swing community. You can support our efforts by joining today.
sensual swingers
1) Is it common for a male to have stage-fright (no erection) in swinging activities? Answer: Yes, this is very common. This is not something anyone should be embarrassed about; the male is just experiencing some performance anxiety. It all comes down to the male’s comfort zone. Sometimes the hormone levels are there, but the brain gets in the way. This could also be caused by a phobia (i.e., getting nude in front of another male). The best method for overcoming this issue is continual communication and reassurance from your partner. If problems still occur the male might want to think about taking a VIAGRA® or a similar type product (consult your physician before taking this type of medication).
2) Should couples set boundaries and/or rules prior to having a swinging encounter? Answer: Yes, it is a good idea for couples to set some kind of boundaries/rules. This will ensure a fun time is had by all involved. Through time these rules might change, but that’s ok, this just means that you are growing as a couple. One of the biggest things to remember is communication with your spouse/partner and other swingers. Boundaries are something that is held to the highest standard in the swinging community. It is also common for a new couple to ask, “What type of boundaries/rules should we set?” Each couple is different, for what might be considered ok by one couple, might not be ok for another. This is why communication is very important. Each couple should make a list of do’s and don’ts then sit down and talk about them. Also, it is not wise to set a lot of rules for one spouse/partner and not the other; this creates an unbalanced equation. Over time the spouse/partner with all the rules set on them will start to feel like the “third-wheel.” Meaning, they see their spouse/partner doing things they are not allowed to do, and this will create some jealousy. So, the best thing to do, if boundaries/rules are going to be set, is to make sure they are 50/50.
3) Is safe-sex a common practice in the swinging lifestyle? Answer: Yes, but no. It is about 50/50 with the use of condoms. Some sensual swingers never play without using condoms. On the other hand, some people (male and female alike) have allergic reactions to Latex (or other materials) preventing the use of condoms. This is something that needs to be talked about (with all involved) before any swinging occurs, thus avoiding an awkward situation.
4) How do my partner and I get started in the lifestyle? Answer: Assuming that you and your spouse/partner have talked about this and you are both ready (emotionally and physically) to take part in the lifestyle. Always remember swinging is meant to enhance your relationship; not take the place of one. There are numerous ways to get started in the lifestyle: On-line swinger ads, clubs, swinger chat rooms, outings, house parties, swinging social gatherings. The two most common are on-line ads and clubs. NASCA.com is a great site for finding sensual swingers clubs in your area.
5) What about my job? Am I putting it at risk by swinging? Answer: No. Under the Federal Laws Prohibiting Job Discrimination § 2302(b), employers may not: “(10) discriminate based on personal conduct which is not adverse to the on-the-job performance of an employee, applicant, or others.” Any individual who believes that his or her employment rights have been violated may file a charge of discrimination with EEOC. Who is not protected by this law: the Central Intelligence Agency, Defense Intelligence Agency, National Security Agency, and certain other intelligence agencies excluded by the President; the General Accounting Office; the Federal Bureau of Investigation; the U.S. Postal Service (except for nepotism allegations); and the Postal Rate Commission. If a person is worried about their employer finding out about their swinging lifestyle, they should choose to partake in swinging activities outside of their own community.
6) Are all swingers bisexual? Answer: No. Even though there are a lot of bisexual swingers, not all are. For the most part, the majority of female swingers are bisexual, and the majority of men are not. In swinging, there are many types of couples. You will find couples where both people are straight, both are bi, the female is bi and the male is straight, and/or the male is bi and the female is straight. That is what makes this lifestyle so great; the diversity of it.
7) What are on and off premise clubs? Answer: On-Premise clubs allow for meeting, socializing, and swinging taking place all in the same location. Keep in mind if you do not feel comfortable participating in swinging activities, it is acceptable to just sit back and enjoy the atmosphere. Off –Premise clubs are for meeting and socializing only. sensual swingers meet and make their own arrangements. Sexual activities between swingers take place at another location of their choosing.
8) Is weight and/or age an issue in swinging? Answer: Yes, it all comes down to personal choices and attractability. There are all types of body sizes (from the very petite to BBW) and all ages (from 18 to 80) in the lifestyle. We as sensual swingers cannot fault or look down on other swingers for their personal choices and who they find attractive. For example, swingers in their 20’s might not find swingers in their 50’s attractive, for the couple in their 50’s are twice their age. If someone respectfully turns you down due to your age/weight, don’t let this get you down. Just remember there are just as many swingers, if not more, that will think you are a perfect match for them.
9) What is the best way to tell someone that you just want to be friends, and you are not interested sexually, or that you are not interested in them at all? Answer: Honesty is the best policy. Just be upfront with the person(s) and tell them in a polite way you are not interested. They will respect you for your honesty. It is better to be upfront about things, then to let them go too far and get out of hand.
10) Do feelings ever emerge between sensual swingers? Answer: Sometimes yes. This is completely natural since intimacy, on some level, has taken place. When good friendship has merged with sexual activity, feelings could come into play. Also, some people associate sex with close bonding, and this sets the stage for feelings to emerge. However, these feelings need to be put into perspective. Remember that swinging is for recreational fun and not for a relationship fix.
11) Is there ever jealousy between swingers that have previously played together? Answer: Not often, but it does happen. This usually occurs when feelings, on some level, are present. Also, this could happen if a couple believes they are “exclusive” with you, and you are not looking to be exclusive with them; exclusive meaning they are, or think they are, your only swinging partner(s). This situation may be avoided with good communication between all involved.
12) Is swinging considered cheating? Answer: No, as long as both spouses/partners are 100% aware of all activities that are/have taken place, and they have given their full consent to these activities.
13) What should I do if I find myself in an uncomfortable swinging situation? Answer: The best way to handle any uncomfortable situation is to be honest about the way you are feeling. Discreetly pull your spouse/partner aside and tell them how you are feeling. If this awkwardness takes place during swinging activities, there is no harm in putting a stop to things until a comfort level can be re-established.
14) Should my partner and I have a “safe-word”? Answer: Yes; it is a wise idea to have a safe-word. This will alert your spouse/partner concerning your comfort level.
15) Is sex expected the first time you meet? Answer: No, sexual activities should never be expected. Even though most sensual swingers have a hopefulness of everyone clicking, and having the possibility of an experience; nothing should ever be expected. Nevertheless, be “prepared” (condoms, toys, lube, etc.) to play if everyone agrees.
16) What if my partner and I experience some type of jealousy? Answer: Jealousy is a natural emotion, but it is the level the jealousy is taken to that can hinder your swinging experience. Communication is the best way to keep jealousy at bay, and it is the key to a happy and healthy swinging relationship. If you or your spouse/partner finds something you enjoy, tell each other. If you or your spouse/partner finds something you honestly cannot handle, you should avoid doing that again. However, this issue does need to be talked about in great detail. This is where boundaries/rules could be helpful. Your relationship needs to be strong and based on trust and communication. If a couple has jealousy issues before swinging, swinging will increase the jealousy by 10 fold. Therefore the swinging lifestyle may not be for you. Remember if you are having problems in your relationship, swinging will NOT help; it will only make things worse. Swinging is meant to enhance the sexual relationship of a couple; it is not intended to replace the existing/non-existing one. If your relationship is strong and swinging is something you both want to do, then swinging will only make your relationship stronger.
17) Is discretion a common practice in swinging? Answer: Yes; for the most part discretion is a key to participation in the swinging lifestyle. Some swingers like to keep their personal life and their play life separate. This is why some will use alias first names or handles. Also, a person must use caution as not to name drop (i.e., kiss and tell), for this is a violation of other swingers’ privacy. Another thing to keep in mind; what happens at the club/party/event, stays at the club/party/event.
18) Why are single females more accepted in the lifestyle than single males? Answer: The main reason for this is most female swingers are bisexual, and both people, within a couple, can share in the experience of a new sexual partner. When it comes to single males, only the female half of the couple gets to experience a new sexual partner.
19) When meeting sensual swingers for the first time, where should we meet and what should we do? Answer: When meeting for the first time, meet on neutral ground (i.e., restaurant, club, erotic bar, etc.). This will make a more comfortable setting for all involved. It is always best to meet in a place where good conversation can happen (It is not a good idea to meet at a loud bar; this hinders the ability for conversation). Do not be afraid to open up and share things with other swingers, for this creates a friendly atmosphere. This is a good opportunity to talk about likes, dislikes, boundaries/rules, and other commonalities.
20) How do I find a sensual swingers club in my area? Answer: The best way is to do an Internet search, or ask other swingers. Some swinger sites have links to certain clubs, or are affiliated with a club. One of the best sites for finding clubs in your area is NASCA.
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